Previously on The City: The show continued to suck & Whitney tried out a new facial expression.

Since I’ve been back in New York, I’ve had time to catch up on my television programs. Most notably, The City.

 

Oh Hai Whitney!

 

OK, I have a bone to pick with this show. First, I should tell you that I have a complex relationship with the sister show, The Hills. I tune in every week and spend thirty minutes of my life being inundated with pretty images of blank-faced girls eating posh lunches. And then eating posh dinners. Going out to a posh club and then going to a posh brunch the morning after to recap. Every time an episode ends, I’ll try to figure out what exactly happened. I think real hard. And come up with the conclusion that, just like every episode prior, nothing happened at all. Therein lies the brilliance for the show. The Hills acts as my own personal Xanax. For 30 minutes a week, my brain is on vacay with Lauren, Audrina, Heidi & Whitney. That doesn’t mean that I don’t resent MTV for making me (and millions of others) give a shit about these retards. I can’t help but feel as if we are continually get Punk’d every time we watch a damn episode.

 

Anywho, where was I? Oh, right. THE CITY.

 

K my expectations for this show were lower than low. Bless Whitney Port’s heart but is she by far the dullest “character” on The Hills. Every week, she seemingly clocks in her screen time by pretending to type on her computer and ask Lauren about the latest details of her life.  Whitney delivers her lines with such tepid enthusiasm, it’s like she rather shoot herself in the head than hear Lauren talk again about her 2 year-old Made-4-TV beef with Heidi. But whatever, Lauren Conrad = meal ticket for all of her friendz. Lets be real. I would love to be cast as LC’s “quirky” gay friend that talks shit on her girlfriends with her and steals her drugs (off-camera). I’d probably get $10,000 an episode and hawk a jewelry line at Kitson. Dare to dream, I suppose.

 

Anyways, I was not surprised. The City blowz. Living in “the city” is far more scandalous than how it’s presented on the show. Take for example the dinner party Whitney is invited to by Olivia Palermo. On the show, the dinner party is presented as a mostly PG affair. Olivia and her friends exchange mushy toasts and talk about the horrifying dilemma of having art dealers for parents (Ex: “CUZ I DON’T LIKE ART. AND LIKE EVERYONE EXPECTS ME TO LOVE IT CUZ MY DAD IS AN ART DEALER AND LIKE, I JUST DON’T!”). In real life, I can’t help but feel as if  Socialite Olivia Palermo’s “dinner party” would actually be code for “rooftop coke binge with 20 of my closest friends from rehab.” Like her cousin, Nevan? Hi. Lets not pretend he’s not fucked up every second he’s on camera.

 

And Whitney just doesn’t have a strong enough (read: any) personality to carry her own show. I’m not saying Lauren Conrad is the personification of interesting but I feel like she has enough of a presence to where the viewer can decide to love her or hate her. With Whitney, I just feel “meh.”

 

The show is getting bad ratings which helps restore my faith in humanity a little bit. As the saying goes, “(MTV Execs) fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me.” (Or still, MTV. I can always blame MTV.)